All right, bear with me a little... I'm not quite coherant to make this make any sense, I'm afraid. Or spell correctly. Etc.

I've been absent from a lot of things online lately, attempting to heal up and rest. So far, hopefully everything that is plaguing me has been identified because I'm not sure what else can be added.

I'm going to have to be even -more- absent. The reason for this is not only the rib cartilidge issue, not only the ulcer, but because life decided to throw me a grand and glorious virus into the nerves of my left leg. Supposedly I've caught it before there's permanent damage. It hurts like... very much. My body is attempting to self-destruct. People apparently catch that virus when they're--be amused now--fifty and over. Let's not start with the ulcer.

The reasons for all these things, the ribs, etc, the destroyed immune system, even the amount of coffee I drink... diagnosed as, what else, but stress.

From where? I have no idea in the world. But apparently it's there, and wrecking merry havoc in an attempt to burn me up with it. Literally. *has a companion fever to this right now* I'm on a drug cocktail that is at Codine-level, which is good because I didn't wake up trying not to scream for the first time in a week, but I'm also unable to do more than partially sit up without intense nausea....

Hence, I have to apologize to everyone. It doesn't seem as if I get involved in much even while active, I know. But... okay, here, it's a longer story.

When I joined Xenomuck last year, I did so with a group of friends who are also gamers. You can probably guess who they are just from realizing who lives around me or knows each other firsthand. Essentially, the Muck would be the setting for a little bit of RP and story that would be GMed by yours truly. This hasn't changed, even though the scope has grown quite a bit larger. In other words, I do the plot for... quite a lot of OCs and a few MCs now.

So even though it doesn't look like it, I'm really the one at fault for a lack of activity in a lot of areas. I haven't been able to engineer or continue the plot bits that people have been waiting for me to do. The Aveh government, Jasper, the Elru Project... um... whatever's up with Senchei that I forgot to ask her about... Yasha's military resources... Shevvite security in case people want to try sneaking in there... lots of things. And things for everyone on the Muck to try and be amused with. Etc.

Speaking of which, actually, if anyone feels as if they aren't being paid attention to or that no one's interested in their plots... most of what I do is try and keep track of everyone, icly and oocly. This isn't because I want to control everyone into a cookie-cuttered mold, but because--and I mean it when I say this--everyone on the Muck is interesting. Everyone's characters have their own story, and even if it doesn't seem like it, at least one person is watching for them. And it matters when someone's been having a bad day offline or on, or if they're even but bored--it's never said, but it matters. I think about all of you quite a lot, offline and on. No one should feel unimportant, because--believe it or not--I try and account for each and every one of you.

Maybe that's what's stressing me. I rarely log on for personal enjoyment anymore. Even if I do, I'm always keeping an eye and ear out and become concerned if someone's just out of kilter. Which I know is ridiculous, since I shouldn't vaguely stress over the happiness of people who don't give a #*%#.

Bleh. I need a life. I also need to be able to sit up and get my plot done so at least three people can go out and have online lives. And to be able to keep food down. So... yes. I apologize for not being able to do what I should. I try to keep a lot of the Xenomuck world in my head so people can coordinate things and just get references, and I'm really very sick now and can't do that... so again, I'm sorry.

I hope this post made sense. *gives up on typing skills now*

By Xeero on Friday, May 25, 2001 - 10:53 pm:

Luka, I think I speak for alot of people when I say you don't have to apologize, we've all appreciated the work you've done so far (least I have), still it's no one person's fault if RP get's stagnant. Everybody has to keep it up, of course for those of us who have lives IRL (wonder what that's like) we can't always be here when we're needed so things can get boring etc. but that's when it becoimes everyone else's responsibility to try and keep things going by some means. We can't just sit back and hope somebody will do it for us. Of course that doesn't mean the help isn't wanted (and often needed). Anyways, I wish you a speedy recovery and hope to see you back on your feet and healthy again soon. ^_^

By Bart on Friday, May 25, 2001 - 11:24 pm:

Luka...you know that i've been praying constantly for your health, and i'll keep hoping you get well, cause that really is all I can do. Keep a positive outlook, Luka, and i'll continue praying for your health!

By Dominia on Saturday, May 26, 2001 - 12:18 am:

Luka, please, don't worry so much. ^_^ Xeero's right- no one person should be responcible for plot. I know its frustrating how a lot of people tend to complain when you don't personally give them RP, but that doesn't mean its your responcibility- it means that 99% of all people are Sheeple, and are more than capable of doing whatever themselves.

But no one should sign on the game with the intention of a job. I used to do that and I drove myself crazy- I can't say how many times my parents have threatened to cut my internet access due to the stresses and breakdowns I've had over this place. Its really, really unhealthy to do this- this is why I've toned down a lot recently, and actually learned that I don't have to have hyper-guilty reactions when I don't sign on every weekend.

No matter the case, the most important thing is for you to get better and for you to be happy. By all means, please, please don't feel bad about feeling like you fell short of some obligation- you haven't yet. We're all really, really grateful for everything you've done.

No one will hold anything against you if you take off for the sake of your own health and well being.

You've done everything and more, so don't beat yourself up thinking you're falling short by not mothering the game or being on. We'll be okay. ^_^ Your first duty is to your own health and happiness.

So please, rest up and get better, Luka! You have all of our best wishes and love.

Domi

By Casske on Saturday, May 26, 2001 - 03:13 am:

My best wishes are with you. Ulcers suck. I hope you feel much better. ^_^

By Kale on Saturday, May 26, 2001 - 03:27 am:

Ack! Poor Luka...
Like Domi said, rest up, and get better.
It's always wonderful to have you on, but your wellbeing and happiness comes first.

And now I sound like an echo of Domi.

Hope you get better!

By Ayame on Saturday, May 26, 2001 - 04:51 am:

Awww! Poor Luka! *sniffles* ;_;
We miss you of course, (how could we not miss the loveable Luka?) but Domi and Xeero and everyone else is right. Your health is FAR more important then a game, by far! And so is your mental sanity.

We all appreciate the things you've done for us in the past, and the things you've done recently (especially me. you fixed my broken character. ^^) and of course we miss you but if you get so sick then what good is a game to have fun with when you can't forget the pain and illness? ;_;

We love ya Luka! Get well soon!

By Joseph on Sunday, June 03, 2001 - 05:42 am:

And now, the flipside of everything, simply because I can't stand this saturation of sweetness...

I'm not sure what you do arround here.

Buck up. The Muck is an entity beyond the controll or domination of any one person. If all the wizzes were to quit, but the Muck were to stay up, it'd stabilize after a month or so.

Don't work to hard.

By Kelvena on Tuesday, June 05, 2001 - 07:56 pm:

*giggles!* Luka's our local thinker. And the Muck reference book. *offers a cookie!*

But she thinks too much and worries! Feel better, Luka, and stop blaming yourself when people complain! You can't make everyone happy! You can just give them cookies. ^.^

That's what I do, and that's why I'm a happy wiz. ^.^ You should too! (and, I'm not holding you to a time schedule for character stuff, so don't worry about my stuffies. ^.^)

Be happy!