1. The very first MT. Thats right. The one you get straight off the
start line. It's not an easy MT to make, as it's more like an ssmt.
Actually, it's more like a cross between an MT and an SSMT. Well let's
forget that, it's not that important. The thing of it is, you may hit
off the wall to the left, or fall into the lava, but the most likely
thing that will go wrong here, is that you will let the MT go too early
and hit the wall next to the grass in an attempt to be quick. You'll do
this, because you really like pressing Start, down, retry.
2. The grass shroom. 90% of the time, the lovely green bush sitting on
your perfect line will get in the way and screw you over. It doesn't
mean to be in the way It's probably more scared of you than you are of
it. The other 10% of the time, you'll simply go too far on the inside of
it, or somehow you'll decide to be creative and go to the left of the
green bush and wildly turn right after it and smash into the wall. If
you did the latter, you get points for effort.
3. The first thwomp. You know the guy. He sits there to the right of the
racing line and waits for you to come within a meter of him. Then he
sends a signal to the N64 telling it that you hit him when you plainly
did not. No! You were going to pass him very closely on the lefthand
side, goddamnit!
What kind of stupid collision detection is there in this game anyways?
4. The next corner to the left. You'll hit it in an attempt to be clever
and fast, or you'll catch it slightly and it'll slow you down an
irritating tenth or two and you won't know whether to continue or keep
going, because did it _really_ slow you down at all? Can you really be
sure? Can't you just make up that time easily enough anyways. No...no
you can't.
5. The next corner to the right. This is pretty much the same as 4, but
it's more likely that you'll get caught by this corner if you've hit the
previous one. You can then go on an adventure around the course seeing
how many corners you can catch. Maybe you'll unlock a hidden game or
free that green thwomp. You've clearly gone insane. Power off your N64.
Put it back in its original box and return it to the store.
6. The moving thwomps. So, you've set up your ghost to distract them,
but they forget about it. He wasn't very interesting to begin with and
hey, wouldn't it be funny to chase after that funny looking guy who's
racing down the room. They fly down and smash right down on top of you.
Ouch! Later on in the cartoon you'll appear without a scratch on
you...just like real life!
7. The moving thwomps don't bother you, but you completely fail to pull
off the ssmt, and really, what were you trying to achieve even
attempting it? So you could show off to your Kart buddies? "Oh yah, the
ssmt in the thwomp room, saves at least 0.08234 seconds. I do it like
all the time. It's easy."
8. The crashing and smashing thwomps (tweedle dum and tweedle dee)
guarding the entrance to the corridor, hit you as you try to pass them.
There are 1001 ways to hit these guys.
i) You can hit the left one as you're going to the left of him
ii) You can hit the left one as you're trying to pass between
the 2 thwomps
iii) You can hit the right one as you're trying to pass between
the 2 thwomps (even if the other guy is up in the air and not bothering
you, but you want to go close to the righthand guy because he reminds
you of your uncle who used come every Saturday and bring you candy when
you were small) WAKE UP! It's a stupid blue block with an angry face.
It's not your uncle!
iv) You can hit the right one as you're trying to pass between
him and the wall
v) Going under them, you think for a second that you've made it
by, but no, you get squashed
vi) Is that 1001 yet? No?.....Uh. I'm needed in the basement
9. You cut the corner too close to the right and snag the wall, or you
cut the corner too wide to the left and somehow the back of your kart
hits the other wall. I mean what the hell is with that? How can the back
of your kart hit anything. It's ridiculous!
10. This corridor is a nice place to relax.......if you want to screw up
your run! Pay attention and don't go too wide with your MT into the next
room. Don't get caught on the corner either, because it'll look like it
didn't slow you down that much, but guess what? It did. P.S. You suck!
11. The next thwomp is annoying, because you have approximately 0.07632
seconds to see where he is and what direction he's going in, and you'll
try to find a way around him, but you won't. Instead you'll think to
yourself "Crap, what the hell am I supposed to do...left, right,...I
dunno...shit...crap...aghh" It's ok. Have a cookie. Did the bad ickle
block hit you? Awww.
12. The thwomp after that is annoying in a different way. You have
_plenty_ of time to see where he is and calculate where he's going to
be, which makes you feel even more like a complete idiot when you manage
to smack into him. You'll either think you can get through to the left
and he'll crash into you, or you'll try and be smart and cut close to
him to the right, and it'll be so close that you actually get hit.
Sitting there, and spinning, you can reflect on how crap your run was
going to be anyway.
13. You hit the wall before the bridge. It's a nice wall really. It
never did anything to anyone. You're just mean, because you did one of
1-12 so far this lap.
14. Wheeeeeeee....plomp.....congratulations, you get the lava award.
15. This next corner is a bitch. I don't want you to think otherwise.
It'll really hurt you, because if you go too close...BANG...ow my
nose....and if you don't go close enough, you've gone so wide that other
people playing BC on different N64s see you as they pass by, as you're
trying to recover. Yes, it takes so long to recover from going wide
here, that N64s evolve to the point where other people playing on other
N64s can see you.
16. The stairs are great fun. You can't control yourself on the stairs.
From the top, you can see that you're going to hit into the wall at the
bottom, but you can't stop yourself. The stairs take control of your
kart. The stairs are our masters. We must obey the stairs. All hail the
stairs!
17. This next bit...you know...the bit with the grass hopping, is
probably the 2nd hardest bit to get right, mainly due to 16. Getting the
perfect line here is a complete lottery. You can point your kart in
vaguely the right direction, but you'll only get the perfect angle maybe
once in three laps if you're lucky, and it'll be that 3rd lap when
you've messed up the other 2 and just want to practice a lap. On some
occasions you'll have such a crap line into this corner that you'll hop
completely around the grass...you won't even touch it and some sarcastic
karter will say "What are you? Newbie F? You don't have to stay to the
road all the time you know. You probably stay on the road on MR too,
don't you, and take in the magnificent scenery? You think the green pipe
is architectural genius or something and wonder about who thought of
it?." And he'll be right too, except for the green pipe part. That's a
bit mean. He obviously just hates you a lot.
18. If you miss the MT out of the grass then just retry, because you've
already been slowed by being in there, and having to drive all the way
to the next corner without any speedup is just embarrassing. Go sit in a
corner, and think about what you've done.
19. I just realised, I never mess up this next corner to the right..the
one where you go over that little piece of grass. It's also where I look
at the clock to see my checkpoint. So that's an idea...maybe if I kept
looking at the clock and didn't bother worrying about what was going on
with my kart, I wouldn't ever mess up.
19a. There's a bridge here...and when there's a bridge there's a place
to fall off, (except for on DKJP and YV, and it's hard to fall off TT
too)...so basically what I'm saying is that on BC, if there's a bridge,
you can fall off it.
20. The spiral, not to be confused with the RRd SC. This spiral can make
or break your lap. You have to leave go your MT and start hopping to get
a good bounce off the wall to the right. The problem is that sometimes,
it just won't hop for you or on the odd occasion you'll actually hit the
wall and get propelled backwards. This is usually not a good sign.
21. So you managed to make it around the spiral without getting dizzy.
Well look out, cos you have to do an ssmt here which starts before you
fall and finishes when you land. This ssmt is actually impossible to do.
Really. And any video evidence to the contrary is fake. It can't be
done. You'll bounce off the right side of that wall to the left if you
even manage to get the ssmt to red and you'll lose time.
22. I always jump before the last drop. I do it because I feel I land
faster when I do...but of course sometimes when I jump I actually land
before the dropoff and so waste even more time. I'd stop jumping
altogether, but I have a condition.
23. The jump was fine, you got a perfect 10. The crowd is applauding,
and you wish MK64 jumping were an olympic sport. You think how proud
your parents would be to see you standing on that podium with the gold
medal, and your national anthem playing in the background. Then you start
to think "Should I sing it? Crap, I don't remember some of the words. I
don't want to make a complete idiot out of myself when I'm on TV. No,
wait, I'll just stand here and look emotional, like I'm remembering my
epic feat." Helllooo? Anybody home? Look at the screen! You landed in
the lava you loser!
24. The last corner. Ahhh, it's been a glorious lap and you're about to
PR. You're going to pass that random guy from the internet that you've
never met in avg finish, and it feels good. Sure, you're only #87 in the
world, but you can tell your friends that you're #3 in the northern half
of the quadrant of the country you happen to be in. They're not impressed
when they watch you play, because you keep hitting retry on average every
12 seconds after each run starts. They wonder why you don't just go on
when you hit something or why you can't just take a safe line around the
corner and then when they notice you getting more and more agitated,
they tell you to "chill". "It's just a game dude". You feel like taking
the cord of you controller and strangling them with it, but you don't
want to ask your mom to get you another controller because you threw the
last one through the window and for some reason, she really freaked out
about that.
Now where the hell was I? Holy Crap! I'm writing a list of things that
go wrong on BC? When the hell did that happen? Geez, what have I been
drinking? I'm gonna regret this in the morning. Anyways, It's just one
last corner. You've gone safely around 30,000 of them in the many months
and years you've played Kart. How hard could it be? Well hey there
mister, right at that moment, it's the hardest corner in the world. Yes,
even harder than that one on YV where you have to avoid 5 million black
sprites that look like hedgehogs, but who never seem to hibernate. You
remember going to that track in winter and being confused that they were
still there wandering about back and forth. You figured that they
probably weren't hedgehogs afterall. The point is, it doesn't matter
where you are or how good you are, the hardest corner in the world is
the one you're trying to get around, right now. It's very easy to take
this corner wide, but it's even easier to hit off it. It'll send you
backwards a little and cost you around half a second to recover. The
alternative is to slightly snag the corner and get slowed down about the
same amount, but it'll feel better. You could also somehow miss getting
the MT around it and worse still, as you're on the straight you'll find
yourself close to the wall and it'll suddenly start dragging you to a
snails pace as you're just a few feet from the line.
The End.
(of your crappy BC run)
|