There's two sides to every story. (A little about me)

Who are you? That's a good question. I'm Susan/William. Not in that order, and not not in that order. :) I tend to spend roughly equal amounts of time expressing both sides of myself and I don't think either should be seen to be the "real" me. The real me is more of a combination of both, but I've found that it's simpler/easier to keep things separate. Mmm, but who are you *really*? There is no really. Really! I like being a girl alot of the time, and I also like being a guy alot of the time. There's a balance to be found there somewhere, but that's something I have to keep searching for. Why keep things separate? I like strawberries, and I also like peanut butter, but I wouldn't have them together. It would just taste a bit weird. It's something similar here. If William was to start acting or dressing like Susan, if there was some sort of half and half, it would just be weird (not that I can claim it isn't as it stands), but I personally am most comfortable when I'm one or the other, and I think most of my friends would be too. Are you gay? I get asked this quite a bit, and I can totally understand where people are coming from. The image portrayed by tv/movies is almost always that of someone who is gay. I'm not, and neither are the majority of people like me. No really, are you gay? :) No, and I have given it quite a bit of thought. When it comes down to it, you know who you're attracted to and who you're not. I'm open to new experiences but I've certainly never been attracted to any guy. I don't get it then. Why do you do it? Why, as a straight guy, do I like to dress/act like/become female? Yes, it doesn't make any sense to me. Can you explain it? I can, but it's not going to be easy. I know that if I wasn't the person I am, that I really couldn't understand why someone would want to cross gender boundaries like this. I reckon it would seem completely weird, and I'd probably dismiss them as being crazy or in need of help. So I'm very aware that people may think that of me too. At least, the people who don't know me. There's a saying that goes something like "People who dance are thought to be insane by those who can't hear the music". Imagine trying to explain music to someone who was deaf to it, or explain the beauty of marvellous view to someone blind to it. But I don't want to use that as a cop out, so that I don't have to answer the question. I'm just explaining how it's not as simple as explaining why 2+2=4. So how would you describe it? Well I often like to ask people why they love to listen to music, or why they enjoy painting. There's a certain enjoyment to be had from listening to music, or watching television, or reading a good book. And for people who like to paint, or to create music, or to sculpt, there's a certain inner artistic need to express yourself in this way. In a similar way there's an inner need in me to express my femaleness. And I think it definitely allows me to express certain aspects of my personality that would seem out of place in William-world. Also I tend to be generally calmer, more content and happier as a girl, although having said that, I'm hesistant to say happier as it may give the wrong impression of how I feel as William. I get the feeling you'd rather be a woman? Yes, and no. It's a complicated question. I'm not yet sure where my guy/girl balance lies. The problem is that my female side has been stifled for so long that it craves to be expressed. Ideally, I could live in female mode almost exclusively until I felt a tug back in the other direction, and then find some equilibrium. Society makes this difficult. Do you think you'll ever have a sex-change? I don't think so. Right now, it's not even a question in my mind, and it hasn't been. As I said, I'm quite happy being male alot of the time too, so it's not a clear-cut thing. There are a number of serious questions I'd have to ask myself. Do I want my own children? How difficult will this make relationships? Is the need to be female so powerful that I would have to go all the way? At the moment, my answers are: Maybe, probably very, not at the moment. Not to mention the difficulty integrating into society. What do you mean when you talk about society? Well, quite frankly, society is awful. There seems to be only three ways that people like me are portrayed on tv and in movies. a) The character is very camp, and clearly gay b) The character is straight, but the transformation is only done for comedy value c) The character is some sort of psychopath. Well a) I'm not gay, or camp, b) it's not funny (well sometimes it is), and c) I'm not about to kill anyone. :) So society has the wrong impression of you? In so many ways that it's not funny. But it's not just that. Society just doesn't seem to be ready yet. I want you to think of two sets of parents. The first set of parents has a girl around 6 years old. She doesn't particularly like dresses. She's always climbing trees and getting into mischeif. She dressed up as a cowboy for halloween. Her parents smile at her affectionately and describe her to people as a bit of a tomboy. The second set of parents has a boy around the same age. He doesn't really like football. He prefers to stay in and play house, and thought that maybe it would be fun to dress as a princess for halloween, but quickly said he was joking when he saw his parents reaction. There's no word that the parents would use to describe this boy, except demeaning words like sissy. The boy is seen as weak. This highlights a huge imbalance in the way that society currently views male and female too. It's ok for females to express male tendancies, but it's absolutely not ok the other way around. This is absolutely unfair. And I know how long it will take for mindsets to change on this front. So, what? You're saying parents should let their son dress as a princess if he wants to? This sounds weird doesn't it? Anything which isn't the norm sounds weird. I get that. But anyone should have the right to dress how they like (within reason of course) But I'm not stupid either. The parents should explain to the child that whilst they can wear whatever they like, that society in general is not ready for that yet, and that maybe a compromise about what they wear at home/outside be reached. Explain that mostly boys wear boys clothes and girls wear girls clothes, and that they may be teased over it, but that he could still wear whatever he wants. You're saying that children are like this? Did you have any idea as a child? Yep, pretty much. I remember daring a friend to put on a dress in the hopes that they would dare me back. And it was also my first memory of using reverse psychology. I used to tell my female cousins that I'd *hate* to wear bracelets/makeup etc, in the hopes that they'd try and get me back sometime by forcing me to. None of these worked of course. :) It was only in my teens that I really became conscious of how different I was, and how I should keep it hidden. So you think there's something wrong with the notion of girls clothes and boys clothes? Well not entirely. I just find it a little odd, but I can understand. It's a good means of separating and identifying the opposite sex, but it really is quite unbalanced. In today's world, girls can wear pretty much anything they like. Guys can't. Imagine you're in a room with a whole load of people, and someone makes a random split and divides the group in two. Then they tell one group of people that they can only eat these certain types of food, and the other group can only eat these other types of food. Eventually group A can eat whatever they like from group B's side, but the notion of B eating anything from A's side is ridiculed. Now for most people it's not a big deal. In this hypothetical world, food isn't really that much of an important thing, and well if they can't eat oranges, then so what? But what if you really like oranges but you'll be seen to be weird/crazy for eating one? In fact some might suggest that the person seek psychiatric help for even wanting to. The majority see the orange eater as strange and crazy because that's just the way society has split them up, but to the orange eater, the split seems arbitrary and nonsensical. And as for weird? All they're doing is eating an orange. Wow, you really do like oranges huh? :) Not particularly. I just wanted to illustrate how ridiculous certain things can be. So you just want to wear dresses, is that it? I knew the orange analogy would confuse things a bit. It's not about the specific clothes. The clothes make the expression more complete. It's (for me) about expressing femaleness. And if society was reversed, then I'd want to wear jeans and a t-shirt. Although, I personally really like it this way around. Female clothes are so diverse and colourful and just damned pretty. So it must be hard to find girlfriends. Or do you tell them? Yes, absolutely. Every girl I've been with has known about both sides of me before anything happens, except for my very first girlfriend who was the one who encouraged me out of my shell at the time. But I'm quite open these days with new people, and especially those I have any interest in. There'd be no point otherwise. Someone has to like you for who you really are, or it's doomed from the start. It is harder for me obviously, but there are many more open-minded girls out there when it comes to this than I would have thought. I've been very lucky with the girls I've been close with in my life, and they've just been brilliant. I can't say that enough. So what should we call you? Crossdresser? Transvestite? Transsexual? Susan/Suzie/William/Will if you don't mind. :) I really dislike the usual terms used to describe people like me, mostly because of media ruining the words to the stage where some almost sound perverted and scary. Crossdresser is the best of the bunch I guess, but even that is slightly misleading, at least in my case. So what do your friends think? My friends are awesome. I mean, they're really accepting of the whole thing. I like to think that I'm conscious of not making people feel uncomfortable, so Susan is still a rare enough out and about person, and I don't "surprise" my friends by turning up in girl-mode at meetups. In the future the amount I show myself to the world may increase, but I'm not a "If you can't be 100% comfortable with meeting me like this, then you're not my friends at all!" sort of person. It would be hypocritical of me, because I know I'd be slightly uncertain if one of my friends was this way too, about meeting them if they were dressed. I really think it's something the world needs to gradually get used to. So what's the worst thing about it? The worst thing would probably be always being very conscious of how everyone else is reacting to you. I think most people have this anyway, but it really is heightened. And being misunderstood. And the best thing? Ooh, I'm not really sure. Being able to be unabashedly affectionate maybe. Knowing what it feels to be elegant/beautiful. The definite perspective it gives you on how both genders treat each other. Any last thoughts? Not really. I kinda feel like an orange now though. *wanders off to the kitchen*