| Shut Up Karl - Episode 2.01 Beta |
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[ Written by myself and Andy (jesus@redbrick) ] ****************************************************************** "Shut Up Karl" - A 'Boring mumbling waste a shit' epic in 3 mails. ****************************************************************** Version 2.01 Beta Featuring an ensemble cast of CA students, horses, Margaret Thatcher the Dublin Philharmonic Orchestra , Jesus, Johnny Coughran and tranvestism. And lots of hey nonny nonny and blood all over the place. SCENE...The dingy corner at the back of L208, viewed through a telephoto lens from a building a distance away. A figure can be seen entranced at a flickering screen, occasionally typing, or laughing, or yawning. Suddenly, the silent whiteout explosion of a flash grenade momentarily obliterates the view. The confused figure has no time to gather his thoughts before he is rushed by a team of body-armoured assault troops with mirror-visored helmets. A black hood is seen to be jammed over his head, and he is bundled away from the terminal, and out of view. Barely seven seconds have passed. SCENE...A shabby, hastily-adapted courtroom. A hodded and hand- cuffed figure is led in, to jeering from an unsightly crowd of skinny and fat, sweaty young men, all with glasses, pale faces, sporting 'I'm the one your mother warned you about' t-shirts who entirely occupy the public gallery. The figure is moved into the dock, whereupon an official, the court security aka Ken Maher, dressed in police gear, removes the hood, revealing the defendant as Karl Podesta, 1st year Computer Applications student, and Redbrick addict. The jeering intensifies as the defendant looks around in disgust. The judge takes his seat. He is Andrew Phillips. The view slowly pans over the jury twelve of the defendants (snigger) peers. They are Hitler, Darth Vader, Margaret Thatcher, Satan, Pol Pot, Hannibal Lecter, Fred and Rose West, a vampire, David Gray, Slobadan Milosevic and Scary Anna. ANDY : You are charged that from the 26th of September 1998, you did wilfully conspire with yourself to unlawfully spout ridiculous nonsense from that day forward throughout Dublin City University, "a real college, really", and most especially to fellow students, most notably those from the school of Computer Applications, and to a phenomenal extent on 'Redbrick', the networking society, thus annoying people and making them think that you're complete and utter wierdo and nerd, and making them wish that you'd, and I quote "shut the fuck up Karl". Furthermore, you are charged that during this period, you did dilebrately and with malice aforethought attempt to facilitate this aim by ignoring all occurences of the above mentioned phrase in everyday conversation with these people, people in general, including lecturers and shit. This offence carries the death penalty. You must first be sworn in. (Ken steps forward with a copy of the Bible which Andy indignantly snatches off him. It bursts into flames at his touch. Andy shrugs and begins to roast marshmallows over the flaming book. He hands Ken a copy of "The Thoughts of Chairman Andy". Viewers who watch closely will see it's really a copy of "The Thoughts of Chairman Mao" with the "Mao" crossed out and "Andy" written over it, the defendant is sworn in) ANDY : How do you plead? KARL : Like this: (Karl gets down on one knee, it begins to snow in the dock, mournful violin music can be heard....) ANDY : Yes, yes very good. Are you guilty or not guilty? KARL : Not guilty, fatty. ANDY : You will address the bench as "Your Honour and all powerful overlord". KARL : Fatty, your honour overlord thingy, whatever. ANDY : Council for the prosecution, you may cross-examine the witness. (A member of the extensive prosecution council consisting of 3 of those who are referred to as "the students" steps to the bench. He is Patrick O'Reilly III. He walks up and down in front of the witness, occasionally stopping to look at the witness, the rest of the time looking upwards in a distinguished manner. After about a minute of this, it appears that he starts to feel a little dizzy and nauseous, and appears to have decided to stop and start asking some questions. He walks to the witness bench and slams both arms down on it, and rests his hands on the front table). PAT : 30,500 and 2 letters!...All addressed to Santa Claus!... You will explain yourself mister, if that _is_ your real name, or I should just quit right now.... ANDY : Order! Pat, that was yesterday's trial - when we sentenced 400 children to death for believing in Santa Claus. I demand (pause) that you get with the times moe. PAT : My name's not moe. ANDY : Whoever the fuck you are, just pass it along kid.. (He points at Pat as he says this, then bangs his mace-like noisy thing on his desk twice, and onto a purposely placed copy of 'The Bible for people who could'nt give a toss'). PAT : haha - 'pass'. Anyway...em...'Karl'..yeah, that's it... is it true then, or is it not, that we, as students of CA and members of Redbrick, have heard unbelieveable em... SHITE since the end of September? KARL : Very much so. Only a deluded fool would claim otherwise. Mmmm....wood clams otherwise... PAT : And so, is it also true then, that this shite has primarily come from one source? KARL : Yeah, food is good. PAT : Yes, if you don't talk shit when people are trying to eat it and otherwise of course. KARL : Now how can I talk shite when other people are eating it? That does'nt just make any sense you fetid piece of carp. When there's food in one's mouth, people can't talk, so how can I talk shit when other people are eating? eh? eh? Purple monkey dishwasher. (Pat stares at the witness, solemnly and blankly. He replies sharply, without changing his facial expression). PAT : Yes. (He nods). Yes. But you're confusing us. You're supposed to talk normal. It's what other people do. KARL : And so if everyone jumped off a cliff, would you do it too? PAT : I'll ask the questions here. So. Then. Then so. So then. So. If you don't talk shit, where the (and he gestures here) HELL does it come from? KARL : Cor Blimey chappie, that's a gubbin - how much time 'ave you got? PAT : I SAID I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS. ANDY : Order! Order! There'll be no talking like a nineteenth centuary cockney boot flack in my makeshift courtroom! (He bangs wildly on that bibley book thing). (Everyone in the room stares at him). ANDY : Sorry, I quite like that. Anyway - get on with it. Pat, for fuck sake man, shit down - let somone else from the prosecution bench have a go. PAT : What the hell are you wearing? ANDY : I'll have you know that we Judges wear wigs as a symbol of the court's authority. PAT : Eh blonde Lily Savage style fright wigs don't count. ANDY : Really? Ok I'll take it off then. PAT : The make-up isn't strictly neccessary either although the ear-rings are very you...... ANDY : Ok, ok point taken .. man this max factor shit costs a bomb. PAT : And I don't know what posessed you to wear the cocktail dress.. ANDY : (mumbles vaguley about "comfort thing") Alright Pat stand down. PAT : Do I still get laid? ANDY : (Pause) Don't you mean paid? PAT : (Pause) No. ANDY : (Longer pause) Conor - get up here. (Patrick O'Reilly III takes his place on the prosecution bench, and in his place, steps another member of the prosecution council, and indeed, "the students" steps up to question the witness. He is Conor O'Kane. Dressed in an armani suit, he has a distinctive yellow and black rain jacket thingy draped over it. He takes the floor, and while there, opens a bag of pistachio nuts. He eats or 'nibbles' on about 4 of them). CONOR : Hey, I just realised, I don't like these anymore. Ugh. (he keeps hold of the bag, but has refrained from consuming them). Right then Karl, what made you do it? the lies, the videotapes, the nonsense that no-one can understand that you say every day..I mean..heh...come on.. (he looks at the floor, and makes a gesturing sign with his shoulders)..what's that all about? KARL : (sings) It's all about Souuul...oh oh ohhhh..it's all about pain and deeper emotion...it's all about soul.. yeah...it's all... CONOR : Agh! He's Singing! ANDY : (bangs 3 times) Ok, ok, who let him have the Billy Joel record? (Ken, court security guy, stands with his arms folded and sinister look on his face near the judge's bench. He looks mean yeah. Beside him on the table, is funLiam, also part of the security unit. Every time Ken comes into the picture and we see him, we find our view drifting towards the shiny Thermos exterior of funLiam, until someone else from the floor talks). KEN : You let him have it - you gave it to him, remember? ANDY : Oh yeah, aw, fuck that, just get him to shut up, I have to be outa here sometime today y'know - I have to be up early tomorrow to go to the square and kick some homeless people. then I have to go into Burger King and slag some old school-mates - just get him to shut up! (he bangs twice, which seems to ironically or not, stop Karl from singing, which he was doing up to now). CONOR : Hey! I was listenin to that - it had a good bass beat. ANDY : No-one cares about your stupid bass beat. CONOR : Aww. Hey, y'know, I got this real thicko on the lines yesterday, she thought by suscribing to AOL, she'd actually be able to surf the internet! Anyway, I was really pissed off, and started reading the Independent. Did you know that some guy in Paraguay swollowed a 2 tonne orange whole? Man that musta been sore. ANDY : You're out of order. CONOR : Well I am out of nuts anyway (looks at his empty pistachio nut packet, unawares that they had all fallen out onto the ground while he was cross-examining). ANDY : No, order - ask some decent questions or something. CONOR : I suppose I _could_...hey..yeah...I _could_.... (He rubs his moustache, and looks upwards in thought). KARL : Can I go home now? Due South is on. ANDY : The defendant will moderate his use of language to describe crap tv programs in court! KARL : Or what? You'll execute me? (There is jeering in court, and a sudden barrage of rotten fruit appears from nowhere and is hurled at the dock by the crowd. Ken and funLiam attempt to restore calm, without success. Oddly). ANDY : The court will adjourn for ten minutes. SCENE....An anteroom of the court. Andy sits at a desk covered in papers, while Pat, Conor and Ronan stand at the opposite side, leaning against the desk edge. Appearing in shot from the far end of the room is Johnny, Donal, Ken and Liam. There is a tv on in the other corner, showing an old repeat of "The Thin Blue Line". the noise of it can sort of be heard among the voices. ANDY : Okay, it's going according to plan so far, just keep it up. DONAL : I don't understand, are'nt we supposed to be on the side of good? ie - non-talking-shit? Are *we* really going to kill him? ANDY : Look, I know it's wierd, but trust me. There are forces at work here that even beings as mighty as us cannot hope to comprehend. Karl knew what he was doing. For now, comrades, we must simply perform our task. You don't want more fucking wierd mails do ya? PAT : Yeah. let the trial continue! ANDY : Hey, that's my line! Let the smile go in you! RONAN : (Pause) What'd you say Andy? ANDY : (Pause) Just do what the kid says. JOHNNY : Wait a minute - I love this bit... (looks at the tv) (The sound of the tv can be heard as one of the coppers form the show is at a desk, talking on the phone, while chewing gum. He can be heard to say : "Tango...Tango...(pause)...2 cheese pizzas and a coke"..) KEN : Watch out Smithers! (A sound of laughter is heard from the tv). KEN : hehe - I love this show... SCENE....Back in the courtroom. Order reigns once more. (The final member of the coucil for prosecution steps up to the floor. He is Ronan Ryan. He is decked out in typical collegey gear, over which he displays a basketball singlet, with the number "999", and the name, "RYAN" printed on the back. He walks up to the bench and takes a drink of water). RONAN : Y'know Karl, I believe you when you say that you're innocent - cos of course we all know that you're a PAWN - for the most diabolical human being ever born - DONAL! (He points at Mr. Donal, a member of the coucil for the defence). (There are wildly over-acted gasps from the crowd) ANDY : I will not have over acting in my courtroom! (Daniel Day-Lewis, Sylvester Stalllone and Gwynth Palthrow get up from where they were sitting in the public gallery and leave) DONAL : Hey, I don't loooook like Egan. RONAN : (Pause) I suppose not. (returns to Karl). You don't have the intelligence to spout dribble! You were only some other guy's lackie - you were bonnie to their clyde, sonny to their cher, bingo to their rest of the beatles!! ANDY : There WILL be order in this courtroom! RONAN : (Shouts) I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!! ANDY : (Points) Youuuu're OUT OF LINE RYAN! (giggles insanely and pauses to write that one down) RONAN : Ooooh, I'm out of order? I'M OUT OF ORDER? I'm not out of order - you're out of order! (points at Andy), the whole freakin system is out of order!!!! KEN : No it isn't - you're really out of order. RONAN : (Pause) I am? Oh. (Pause as he quietens and looks at the floor with a puppy dog look). Ok. (meekly). (There is silence in the courtroom). RONAN : I suppose I'd better sit down... KARL : Yeah, you do that. ANDY : Council for the Defence, get up and eh, say something I suppose, and you there (points at some lesser security guard who no-one knows), go and get me a ham and cheese pizza, lots of topping, and 3 beers. Enter Johnny Coughran to wild enthusiastic cheers from the crowd. ANDY : Wait a minute, I know you, Khe-San during the Tet offensive of '68 you promised to paint my fence in exchange for some corn-dogs. COUGHRAN : Those corn-dogs were lousy. ANDY : Paint my fence. COUGHRAN : Make me. (A brief fist-fight ensues at the end of which Coughran emerges triumphant and leaves the court and Andy, battered and bruised returns to the bench) (A member of the 2-manned council for the defence stands up and takes the floor. It is Johnny Callaghan. A gunshot is fired from somewhere off- camera and narrowly misses Johnny). JOHNNY : So, eh, (looks puzzled at Andy), what am I supposed to do here? ANDY : What do I look like, a doctor? (Another gunshot barely misses Johnny's chest and strikes the wooden barrier around the dock) JOHNNY : (re-directs puzzled look at Karl) Well. KARL : Yeah, old time water dispensing yokes rock. (Johhny drops his pen. he bends down to pick it up and a volley of machine gun fire aimed at his head strikes the wall behind him) JOHNNY : Anyway...(sighs)...Did you steal the salt from the canteen today? I was looking all over for it... KEN : Sorry that was me (grins). You can have it back now if you want. (Yet another gunshot whizzes by Johnny's cheek, so close that it shaves off his 5 o'clock shadow. The stubble is seen to grow back almost instantaneously) JOHNNY : Yeah, well I'd love to, but I'm a little busy doin a trial thingy, ok? (frowns). KARL : You're supposed to be on my side y'know. JOHNNY : I'm in court tryin to be impartial - I'm not supposed to take sides in an investigation...sheesh! (rolls eyes). KARL : I don't talk or mail shit y'know - I'm perfectly sane. You all just don't know good humour when it comes your way. JOHNNY : Yeah yeah, whatever - hey Andy, can I have some of your pizza when it comes? DONAL : Yeah me too - we've been in here for ages - I'm starved. ANDY : Hell no. Should we pass judgement now or something? JOHNNY : (shrugs) you're askin me?....(laughs) (Johnny's glasses are knocked off by a bullet) JOHNNY : (exasperated) Who keeps doing that? (The windows around the court explode inwards and three horses in full para-military clothing carrying assualt rifles abe-sail into the court. Two members of the public stand and rip off their latex face masks and suits to reveal that they too are gun wielding horses. The horses surround Johnny and aim their laser sighted guns at his head. The lead horse (the one in the commanders uniform, obviously) speaks) dictatorship of man. Today we, the Equestrian Liberation Movement.... RONAN : ELM? LEAD HORSE : Yes, ELM, today we strike a mighty blow for our people by ridding the world of the one you call Johnny, the butcher of our comrades, the murderer of our children..... ANDY : Revolutionaries LEAD HORSE : What? ANDY : Revolutionaries, it's a better word than "movement" LEAD HORSE : You want us to call ourselves ELR? ANDY : Better than ELM LEAD HORSE : Yeah fair point, anyway today we score a major victory by.... RONAN : I thought "Equestrian" was to do with swimming? LEAD HORSE : No it definately means "horsey" RONAN : Really? I heard "swimming" LEAD HORSE : Enough debate!! Fire at will (The horses turn and shoot a man in the public gallery dead. The woman sitting beside him screams "Will"!!) LEAD HORSE : Eh no, I meant Johnny, fire at Johnny. (The Equestrian Liberation Revolutionaries formerly The Equestrian Liberation Movement empty their assualt rifles into Johnny. The effect is gruesome, blood, bone and brain matter is splattered all over the place. From the jury box Anna screams "JJJJJJJOooooooooohhhhhhnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyy nnnnnnnnnoooooo!!!!". The horse army makes its escape) FADE TO BLACK. CAPTION : The previous scene was considered to be way too violent for anyone below the age of fifty. If you allowed your children to see it then you are lousy parent. FADE IN Scene ... Utter darkness Voice of Conor : You have to take the cover off the lens you dope. (The cameraman takes the lens cover off and we see Johnny lying dead in a pool of his own blood with Anna sobbing by his side. Mournful violin music is heard again) ANDY : I've had just about enough of you violin-boy, get outta my court. PAT : OH MY GOD They Killed Johnny!!!! ANDY : What are you the freakin' commentator? RONAN : We just showed a man being brutally killed, I don't think foul language is something we should worry about. ANDY : Thank you Ronan, (to Pat) What are you the fucking commentator, tits wank, fuck shit and bollox? Anyway on with the trial..... WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DEFENDANT? (Everyone looks at the dock which appears to be empty. The crowd gasp in shock a young woman gets out of her seat and steps into the aisle so she can faint dramatically as young women do in these situations) KARL : (Stands up) Sorry, just tying my shoe laces. Wait a minute I could of escaped while the horses were here couldn't I? (The young woman gets up off the ground and returns to her seat) DONAL : Is this my bit? ANDY : I guess so. DONAL : The defence calls to the stand (dramatic pause) ....... ANDY : There'll be no dramatic pausing in my courtroom!!!! DONAL : Jesus Christ. (Well acted gasps of surprise fill the courtroom as the Son of God enters. The Judge and the new witness exchange stares) ANDY : Jesus, my arch nemisis we meet again but this time the advantage is mine. JESUS : Andy, always a pleasure falling on the way, to the laughter of the Judge but the silence of everyone else) ANDY : Prosecution, do you wish to cross-examine the witness? DONAL : Objection! I haven't cross-examined him yet ANDY : Why do you need to cross examine him? He's your witness, you'd better not come into my courtroom badly prepared like this again. Prosecution? Where the hell is Conor? (Conor is at the jury box making moves on Mrs Thatcher) CONOR : Great so is next Thursday good for you? What? The trial? Eh, can someone else do it I'm kinda busy here, ugly woman, can't resist. (Ronan takes the floor) RONAN : You claim to be a fairly holy guy don't you Jesus? JESUS : Yes my son, I do RONAN : Well, I've been doing some research and it turns out our holy man here has a rap sheet going back all the way to 33AD. (Pandemonium breaks out in the courtroom. Dramatic music is heard) ANDY : ORDER! ORDER I SAY!! (bangs almost unceaseingly). YOU LOT ...........FUCK OFF!!!!! (The Dublin Philharmonic Orchestra leave and join their friend the violinist outside for a smoke) RONAN : Is it not true that you have convictions for all of the following crimes : Grave-robbing, impersonation of a Monarch, public displays of homosexuality with your friend Judas, unlicensed provision of foodstuffs, jay-walking on the Sea of Galilee and anti-semitism? DONAL : Objection your honour, he's badgering the witness! ANDY : Ronan put that creature down (Ronan can be seen beating Jesus with a badger. He drops the animal on the ground) JESUS : Yes it's true!! And I'd do it again if I had the chance hahaha. RONAN : OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR ANDY: Why? RONAN : I've always wanted to do that DONAL : Objection KARL : Sustained ANDY : You can't sustain an objection KARL : Overruled (Andy turns away, arms folded and sulks) DONAL : Come on - we're in court. I wrote loads of questions to ask you people - some of them even include ancient Leitrim humour greetings....I've derived Physics equations that PROVE that our client talks shit...I mean...(Long silent awkward pause) "does'nt" (pause) talk shit... PAT : Plus _I_ stayed up all night dyeing my underwear. KARL : Well thanks for the spirited defence guys. ANDY : Very well. The court finds the defendant GUILTY on all charges. I shall now pass sentence. (Puts black cap and cape on. The supposed evil effect is surprisingly minimal). For the crime of talking shit blah blah blah, I hereby sentence you to death by firing squad. Sentence will be carried out immediately. Do you have any last words? DONAL : Y'know - I fuckin better get more lines in the next installment - what a gyp... KARL : Yes but my throat is so dry can I have a Red-Bull? ANDY : Yes,..... wait a minute I've seen that ad. Nice try Podesta, any real last words? KARL : Just one (Karl takes a deep breath throws his head back and yells) KARL :!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Immediately the court is bathed in the glow of strobe lights, a mirrorball decends from the ceiling. The Orchestra returns to play Conga music. A conga line forms behind Karl.) ANDY : I knew it was a bad idea to hold a trial in a nightclub PAT : How did he pronounce all those exclamation marks? RONAN : He's getting away........and he's a really bad dancer * REPORT OF THE CLERK OF THE COURT ----------- ------------- ... ... ... Who *is* Eric Cartman's mother? Is it (pause) : Ken Maher? funLiam? Ronan Ryan? Conor O'Kane? Patrick O'Reilly III? Donal? Andrew Phillips? Johnny Callaghan? That security guy? The entire crowd? Joe? Peter? Methuselah? That guy who calls me Phil? Gerry Ryan? Ian Dempsey? Nora Brophy? The entire cast of 'Veronica's Closet'? Joe Pesci? Little lulu? That guy? Some other person? And who really _did_ shoot Mr. Burns? Well, it was Maggie. (Pause). Why is the word 'dyslexia' so hard to read? The Answer is coming on an all *new* South Park... CARTMAN : what a gyp! COMING SOON....THE FINAL INSTALLMENT..... (Starring Nottingham Forest football club, Cameron Diaz, and Ken). ***** MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU ***** Last modified: Monday, 12-Nov-2007 12:30:46 GMT |