Here are lots of Jokes...read them at your peril!!!
Messing with the Mob
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
The Diagnosis
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around
the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,
"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
The Little Rabbit
One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging
something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was
the next door neighbors' daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come
home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with
it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog,
I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed
it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf
blower. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in
its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".
Within the hour, the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little girl,
and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about
six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor
that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up
a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"
After having their 11th child, a Tipperary couple decided that was enough
(they could not afford a larger Hiace). So, the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could
fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry
bomb (fireworks are legal in Tipp), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold
the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Tippman said to the doctor,
"I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a
beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Limerick to get a second opinion. The Limerick
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomywhen he noticed that they were from Tipperary. This doctor instead told
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can,
hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home,
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other
hand.
Newlywed Squabbles
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up.
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would
be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd
put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a
vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the
third one as if it's your own."
Shopping
This blind guy walked into a Macy's with his seeing-eye dog and headed straight
for the men's department. Surrounded by pajamas and neckties, he proceeded to
come to a stop, pick up his German Shepherd by the hind legs, and swing the dog
around and around in a circle.
A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir... may I help you with
anything?"
"No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."
A Bad Fall
A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the stairs at city hall. He
is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.
Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have bad news
and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"
The Harried Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully
she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the
phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an
apology.Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a
minute,please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house
with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then,
driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the
store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started
waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and
knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my
head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with
bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to
answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and,
honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
The Cukoo Clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife
that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am,
drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three
times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I
was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed,
to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told
me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it
cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Northside Dublin
bloke 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short,
well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the Courage Tosay
something to the big Northsider. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear:
"Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the
massive Northsider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man
in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him allthe
wayout of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and
returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly
brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that"
he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the Northsider replies."Something about a job."
DUI
During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular
local bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The
man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around
the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys
on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his
lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the
grass,then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and
started to drive away.
The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalizer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a
0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded!
"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.
"I doubt it," said the drunk, "tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"
The Moviegoer
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He
stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice
that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved
nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like
crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"
The Golfing Nun
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that
is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground
after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the fucking putt,
didn't you?"
A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down
the vally that houses all the bulls.
The sign on the first bull's stall states : "This bull mated 50 time last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,
isn't that nice!"
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65
times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last
year.
That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one! ""
They proceed to the last bull and his sign says: "This bull mated 365
times last year."
The wifes mouth drops open and says, "WOW He mated 365 times last
year, that is ONCE A DAY!!!!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says "Go up and inquire if he had
to fuck the same cow every day."
For the Love of Guinness
One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where
about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their
pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away
from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking
it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the
beer and then started yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"
Not Another One
A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a
blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
Classic..... :)
Two queers at a fairground see the big wheel, one queer wants a go but
his boyfriend is too scared so he just stays on the ground and watches.
Shortly after the ride has got under way there is a huge creak,
then the whole big wheel collapses and falls to the ground. Scrambling
through the twisted wreckage the panic stricken queer eventually finds his
boyfriend in the carnage.
"Are you hurt?" he shouts.
"Hurt? Hurt! Of course I'm f**king HURT!! - I went round twice and you
only waved once!"
Scary Sounds
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a
friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears
the whistle, "Whooee Whoee!" but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, to
the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken
bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's
happened, and asks the man from the desert, "Why did you ruin my good
tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small!"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for
the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with
the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door,
down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little
further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be
great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to
gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right
over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket,
and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when
he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with
a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all
this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then
back at the snails and said, "Come on lads, not far now!"
Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for
confession.
He told the priest he'd had sex the night before.
"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.
"I don't know, it was dark." replied the boy.
"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?" The boy said he still didn't know.
"Was it Theresa O'Hare.........or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the priest.
"I don't know, it was too dark." insisted the boy.
"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the priest.
The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's identity. Finally,
the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to return when he
could reveal the girl's name.
Outside his mate was waiting anxiously.
"Did you get absolution?" he asked.
"Naw." said his pal. "But I got 4 names for the dance this Saturday!"
New Fashion
This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker
is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.
"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"
THE BEER PRAYER
OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS, HALLOWED BY THY DRINK. THY WILL BE DRUNK, I
WILL BE DRUNK, AT HOME, AS IT IS IN THE PUB. GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY
HEAD, AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGE, AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.
AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION, BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS. FOR THINE
IS THE BEER, THE BITTER, AND THE LAGER, FOREVER AND EVER.
Frog
A guy walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his forehead. Astonished,
the bartender shouts "wow, where'd you get that!! ? " the frog says, " I
don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!
Bang!
2 brothers, Ralph and Dexter, had the same routine every Sunday morning.
They would each grab a 12 pack of their favorite brew and head out for a day
of hunting. They had their special field that they went to every time, but
for the past few weeks their spot was really slow. Today they decided they
would give it another chance. They sat in their field for hours without
seing a single bird. They finished their beer and were getting vey bored.
They decided that it was time to find a new spot. So Ralph and Dexter
stumbled through the fields laughing and carrying on until they seen this
field behind an old farmhouse just full of geese. The brothers new that they
would have to get permission to hunt on this farmer's land so they used
paper, rock, scissors to decide who would be the one to ask. So Dexter lost
and headed up to the house to ask, while Ralph waited behind. When Dexter
got up to the house the farmer said it was fine for the boys to hunt, but he
had a favor to ask of Dexter before they started hunting. The farmer said,
"my prize mare is very ill and must be put down and I don't have the heart
to do it. Since you are here do you think that you could do the job for me."
For the opportunity to hunt in the field Dexter said that it would be no
problem. So he thanked the farmer and headed for the barn. Ralph came
running behind Dexter to see what the farmer had said. Dexter ha a pretty
good buzz going and thought that he would play a joke on his young, naive
little brother and said,"that bastard farmer won't let us hunt in his field
so i'm gonna teach him a lesson." "What are ya gonna do, Dexter." "I'm gonna
shoot one of his horses." So Dexter Walked into the barn, took aim and
"BANG", shot the horse. Next thing was "BANG! BANG! Let's get out of here
Dexter, I just shot two more."
Lottery Winner
There's this guy who's sitting in the bar he order's two pints at a time he
drink's one of the pint's pours the other between his legs the waitress
come's around again asks the guy if he'd like two more beer's,he replies yes
two more pint's she bring's him two more pint's she then noticed that he
drank one of the pint's and poured the other between his legs she asks him
what are you doing sir "he say's"Well miss I just won the 649 Lottery and
this is the only PRICK I'm sharing it with
Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are
three guys left. The guys start talking about their sons. First guy says "I
thought my son was going to be a dissapointment.He started out sweeping
floors for supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the
owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his
birthday." Second guy says, "Yeah, I thought my son would be a
dissapointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my
son to yours exept he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he
became the owner of that company and got his friend 100,000 dollars in stock
money for his birthday." Third guy says "Wow, that was the same thing that
happened to my son exept he swept flors for a realestate agent. But soon he
became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his
birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain the
the other guy what they were talking about and askes him if he could tell
about his son. He agrees. "Well, my son is a real dissapointment to me. He
works as a hair dresser and has for fifeteen years. He is also gay and has
sevral boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he
got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars in stock money."
Devil
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all
run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do
you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The
Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and
says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I
be scared of you."
Devil or God?
One day 2 friends, Derek and Chris, were drinking and driving and flew over
a curve and both of them died. Derek went to heaven and Chris went to hell.
Well, Derek has seen all of heaven and wants to see his buddy Chris in hell.
So Derek asks God if he can go to hell and check on his buddy Chris. God
says that would be alrite so Derek goes down to hell and finds Chris... to
his amazement Chris isn't being tortured but has a beautiful girl on his lap
and a beer in his hand. Derek, furious, doesn't even talk to his friend
instead he heads straight to heaven and asks God, "How come Chris has this
beautiful woman and cold beer to drink and I haven't got any of
that?"."Well",God says,"The beer has got a hole in it and the woman
doesn't!!"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. After he finished the
beer, he sits the empty bottle in front of him and orders another beer. The
takes that beer and pours it on his hand. He does this two or three times
and finally the bartender comes up to him and asks why he keeps pouring beer
on his hand. The guy says, "I got to get my date drunk before I go home!"
A bloke goes to a pub, and sees these two great-looking women sitting by the
bar. "Beauty," he thinks, "I'll give these two a go." So he walks over,
introduces himself, and asks if he could buy them some drinks. They
accepted, and, fancying his luck, he bought them some more. After a few
rounds the two women stand up and walk off without saying anything. "Fuck"
thought the bloke. After about half an hour one of the chicks walk back in
and say "thanks for the drinks." The bloke says "sure." She says "you know,
my girlfriend's out in the car with her legs spread, she wants to know if
you want to smell her pussy." The bloke's getting real excited now and says
"Yeah! Sure!" The woman takes a big, deep breath, and blows in his face.
"Smells good, hey?" hope you liked it.
Another Fight
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!"
A Lesson Learned
Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's
junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss
Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which
under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal
size, and define the conditions."
Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that
is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear
of this. "With that she sat down red-faced.
Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question.
Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim
light."
"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three
things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two,
you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with
a dreadful disappointment."
Moon Mission
NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two
pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond.
When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off.
Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear."
"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"
"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the
moon landing. Over."
"That's right. Over and out."
They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hello, Pig 2?
Come in please."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."
"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on
the green button to initiate the launch program."
"That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."
An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the
last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts
again. "Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?"
"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear."
"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any
buttons."
The Tough Professor.
A professor was asked to be an advisor on a university student's
dissertation. He accepted the request with delight. All proceeded well
and on the date the paper was due, the student delivered a beautiful
bound copy of his report to the professor.
Two months went by and the student hadn't heard a word, so he went to
the professors office and asked him what he thought of the paper.
"Well," said the professor, "I think it needs to be redone."
Although dejected, the student decided to take another try at the
report.
Two months later, the student delivered the new version to his
professor.
Another month went by, without him hearing a word. Again, the student
went to see the professor, and again was told the paper had to be redone.
Now totally beside himself, the student went back to the drawing board
and rewrote the paper for a third time.
Two months later, he returned to the professor's office with the new
term paper in hand and said to him, "I've re-researched and rewritten to
the extent that I've left no stone unturned and no thought unanalyzed.
There is just nothing more I can do."
"OK," said the professor, "I guess I will read this one."
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was encouraged
to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the
man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but
nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her
but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her
response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
Border Patrol
A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags
balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
The fellow says, "Sand!"
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the
bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find
sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and
pedals the bike across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...
"What have you there?"
"Sand"
"We want to examine."
Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week
the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to
the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling
something. I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"
The fellow says, "Bicycles."
Quality of Life
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat
were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on
the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The
Mexican replied, "Only a little while, Senor."
The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more
fish?"
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and
busy life, Senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should
spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the
proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a
middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your
own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to
Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding
enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, Senor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public
and become very rich, you would make millions."
" Millions, Senor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing
village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take
siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could
sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
The Meteorologist
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of
forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when
a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank
on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat. She asked him
if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he
didn't move."
Heavenly Justice
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he
would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a
picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and
the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play
golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not
do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one
would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to
God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the
ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250
yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but
I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"
Finding the Thanksgiving Bird
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't
find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a
local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why
he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't
even try!"
Eye of Gratitude
In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight.
Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye
surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting
the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest
work of art -- the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked
the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office,
especially that large eye on the wall?"
The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'
Safety Seal
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box
of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers
all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm
looking for the seal."
Walking Economy
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a
walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation,
and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
Perfect Service
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500
IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down
his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's
table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but
I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
Killing Flies
Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed five flies yesterday, three males and
two females."
"How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.
Joe replied, "That was easy. The three males were sitting on a case of beer
and the two females were on the phone."
The Camels
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom,
why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will
help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long
eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the
desert."
"Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these
great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the
boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks
across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That`s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long
eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but
Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
The Mouse
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a
cat attacks them.
The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's
important to learn a foreign language?"
Financial Difficulties
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband
exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
Past Due
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling
a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections
manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until
you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel
the order. We can't wait that long."
A Thing Called Intelligence
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are
we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the
shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the
hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What
do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you
to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing
and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit
the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He
said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the
friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and
hit my hand."
Grocery Shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl
in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked
for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we
just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It
won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout
for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother
said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and
then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd
be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this
check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little
Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."