Some Dave Barry quotes which are excellent.
Really good site for Cinema listings
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Ron Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating hisdespondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the descendent were aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he wanted to. "Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident;that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son, for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel. 2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. YUCK! 3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle. 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. I know some people like that! 6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. 7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2. 8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance. 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! I knew it ! 10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World WarII were made of wood. 12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. 13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver. 14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before. 15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World WarII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. 16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Who was the sadist who discovered this?? 17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. 18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA". 19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby. 20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet. 23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. GOOD FACT TO REMEMBER?? 24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. 25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. 26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. 27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson". 28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing. ???? 29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher. 30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. 31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to mention the other drawback to farting in such a confined space.... 32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!! YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY!!
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A.
Lesson Number One ----------------- A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw him and asked , "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two ----------------- A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to sit at the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three ------------------- A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Lessons: And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!one baby yeah and these are my boots mp3maker .