Gabriel Heinze Bible, as recorded by St Fox of Mullingar
The legend goes that one eveing St. Fox was at home in the 'gar relaxing with some
hobnobs and a cup of tea. He dosed off as was common for a man of the time. Gabriel
Omar Heinze came to him in a dream. He told him to write down what he was about to
repeat about travelling to Australia and to always, always, tackle with two feet.
Must do Activities (Miscellaneous):
Live in St Kilda or Chapel Street area of Melbourne. Essential. If you can get anywhere halfway between each then
you're laughing.
Visit Ayres Rock but don't climb it or you'll be cursed forever, and visit Kakadu National Park in
Darwin.
Rent a bicycle and mill about the Wineries in Adelaide - Barossa Valley.
Whitsunday Islands Sailing Trip (sleeping on boat - lots of drink and grass essential)
Fraser Island. (lots of drink and grass essential)
Visit the Barrier Reef, from Cairns. Go diving.
Parachute Jump over Mission Beach, Cairns.
Go to Magnetic Island, off Townsville, for relaxation.
Go to Nimbim, for the pure experience of being there, buy some of the local cookies...
Go to Byron Bay, cool place, great place to say you went surfing, waves were amazing and what about that rip curl
etc etc
Do the Great Ocean Road, Melbourne. Rent a car. Great day out.
Go to an Ozzie Rules game at the MCG. Support the Bombers. Collingwood are scum. Scum.
Go to the Oz Open Tennis at Rod Laver Arena last week of January\first week of February.
Go to Melbourne Grand Prix - 4th March.
Go to Philip Island Wildlife Reserve.
Go to a Koala Farm. Flippin class. Lone Pine Park in Brisbane is a good one.
WA and Perth are worth a visit. Northbridge is similar to Temple Bar. Cool place.
Fremantle, south of Perth, is class. Don't miss Little Creatures Brewery.
Head south to the bush and the Margaret River region on a safari. Class.
Rottnest Island off the coast of Perth is great also.
New Years in Sydney is supposed to be good.
Hang out at the Jam Factory, Chapel Street, Melbourne. Bookshops, Cinema etc
Flinders Street Station, Melbourne. Just a train station but it's cool all the same.
Not paying for the Trams in Melbourne and when you're caught giving the name Michael...Michael Mouse to the
inspector.
Make sure to check all airports for abandoned vehicles - this is NOT an urban myth.
Harbour Bridge, Opera House, the Rocks in Sydney. Worth a look.
Get a boat ride around Sydney Harbour at night time. Spectacular.
Go to Bondi beach. Good spot.
Darling Harbour in Sydney. Good spot.
Pubs
Melbourne:
PJ O'Briens in Southbank, Melbourne. Actually, PJ's everywhere - Adelaide, Darwin, Cairns, Brisbane & Sydney. All
good craic.
Crown Casino, Southbank, Melbourne. Normally frequented directly after PJ's closes.
Pint on Punt, St Kilda, Melbourne. (our local) Mike's the manager, Cory - Bouncer\Barman. Legend of a spot.
St Kilda Inn. Another decent spot for craic and women.
The Esplanade or the "Espy". Good live music venue in St Kilda. Pool tables. Very hip place to drink. On the
waterfront. Nice.
The Swan in Richmond. Just a quick tram ride down from St Kilda. Great spot for Live Music and picking up
chicks.
The Depot. Just across the road from the Swan. Savage spot for women. Good music.
Sydney:
Didn't really like any of the bars in Sydney - Three Monkeys, Cheers, Scruffy Murphy's spring to mind, nothing
special.
The Bondi Beach Hotel is cool though, on a hot day especially.
Cairns:
The Woolshed in Cairns is such a legendary spot for scoring women that it made the Lonely Planet Guide for this
very reason.
Great craic. Great music. Dancing on tables. Madness. Anything goes.
Beers and assorted Liquors - Very Important:
VB. Do I have to say it? Try it once, if only to verify your worst fears. Do not repeat. Repeat - do not
repeat.
Carlton Draught. Simple man's beer. Just home from a hard days work? Maybe there's a bit of footie on the box.
Crack open a Draughtie. Super.
Carlton Cold. A drink for either women or flashy spanners. Avoid at all costs.
James Boags. Quality premium beer. Reserve only for occasions where you can afford it, or just even when you think
you can afford it.
XXXX. Mostly available up north. Surprisingly decent beer.
Kilkenny. The surprise package of our trip. On tap everywhere. Nice tack.
In Australia you will have to make a very important choice. When you've had just about as much beer as you can
it's time to hit the hard stuff.
It has to be either Vodka and Coke or Scotch and Coke. Now, Aussies are wild men for the Scotch and Coke, and I'm a
great believer of the
"When in Rome..." philosophy, so I went with the Scotch and Coke. I won't lie to you. It's an acquired taste, but sure
you'll be pelatic anyway so burst on.
Bourbon(JD) and Coke\Bundy and Coke are popular choices for late late night drinking also, more popular up north.
Boxes of wine are very important. Around ten Australian dollars for four litres of quality wine? You'd be a fool to
look that gift horse
in the mouth horse. Be careful though, and pace yourself. Ie. Dont drink 4 litres and a crate of beer between two of
you before you head out. (The voice of personal experience is one worth listening to)
Weather and Seasonal Information - Very Important:
The Australian winter falls at exactly the oppoiste time of year to our own. Ie. June, July & August. During these
months Sydney & Melbourne
will be freezing cold, wet and windy. This is not what you've travelled 12000 miles for. My advice to you is to follow
the sun over the course of the year.
Spend the Spring\Summer\early Autum months in Sydney\Melbourne\Adelaide and then when it hits May\June and winter
burst on up to the North to Darwin
or Cairns or the East Coast where it will be 30 degrees or so with no humidity.
Perfect weather. Also - remember
that if you go to te North during the Australian summer it is unbearably hot with 100% humidity, and you can't go in
the water cos of killer Jellyfish. And that my friends, is no holiday.
Other Important Notes:
Label everyone, cruelly if needs be, without any concern for their feelings. It's great craic.
Get the ball rolling. You know what I'm talking about. I can't say it enough. Get the ball rolling. Rolling. Get the
ball rolling.
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Extract teken from The World According To Gabriel Heinze, Faber and Faber, 2004.
Any plagarism or re-distribution of the above material for financial gain will be met with a badly -timed two -footed
lunge by the author, and\or one of his "associates". You have been warned.
